Crackheart
by Saber and Blaze
Summary: OK. A wonderful combination of William Wallace, ADD, ponies, lap dances, ice ballet, and craaaazy Irish. Hey, it was 1:30 in the morning, and we had just eaten an entire pan of brownies. Between the two of us. Yeah. I know.


Author's Note: Just to let you know, when we wrote this it was at 1:30 in the morning, and we were sleep deprived, and one a chocolate high. Since we were like this when it was written, it is going to be a bit whacked out. So we apologize ahead of time for the following: Whacked out plot, randomness, stupidity, and anything else you may encounter while reading this. Enjoy!  
  
Mornay: (to the horseman) Well, what's the deal with the ponies?  
  
(Horseman blinks repeatedly, but still tries to give an accurate report.)  
  
Horseman: We're outnumbered, at least 3 to 1.  
  
Mornay: How many pretty ponies, then?  
  
Horseman: (still trying) 300, maybe more.  
  
Mornay: That many? Will they let me pet the ponies?  
  
Lochlan: Aaaah! Afraid! (Hides behind Mornay)  
  
Mornay: (bounces up and down repeatedly) Pony pony pony pony pony pony!  
  
Craig: We can still negotiate.  
  
(As the nobles are talking, two Scottish soldiers are waiting and listening in the front line.)  
  
Young soldier: (to the veteran beside him) What are they talking about?  
  
Veteran: Something to do with ponies. And I think Lochlan has pissed himself.  
  
Young soldier: Oh, god no. Not again. How'd we get these small-penis psychopaths for generals anyway?  
  
Mornay: Pony pony pony pony pony!  
  
(The big bad scary English come tramping over the hill with yes, many pretty ponies.)  
  
Young soldier: (to no one in particular) Wow. That's a lot of Englishmen. Too bad William Wallace isn't here. Then we could feel all manly, even though we're wearing dresses. I have no idea why we wear these! They aren't practical.  
  
Veteran: But the breeze is quite delightful. Oh, wait, we're supposed to be displaying cowardice. Everyone run away!  
  
(The two Scots start to leave the field and others join them.)  
  
Lochlan: Yes! Run! Scary!  
  
Craig: Negotiation! Negotiation is the key!!! Well, that and a breathable kilt. Because otherwise you get all weird and sweaty...  
  
(Thank God, William Wallace enters. He has painted his face blue to signify that he is intimidating, because everyone that's blue is scary. But he's wearing a dress so as not to completely terrify his own men. He is followed by people carrying big long sleeping bags.)  
  
Young soldier: (to the veteran as Wallace rides past) William Wallace?  
  
Veteran: Can't be. He's wearing a skirt too.  
  
(William and his men ride up to the nobles.)  
  
Stephen: Hi! I'm the crazy Irishman! Wooo! Didja hear me? Crazy!  
  
Lochlan: (to William) Aaah! Blue!!!!  
  
William: Yeah, whatever, skirt boy.  
  
Lochlan: Hey, wait; we're not surrendering command to a blue guy in a dress!  
  
William: Yes you are!  
  
Lochlan: Why?  
  
Mornay: Pony pony pony pony pony pony.  
  
William: Because I'm the director!  
  
Lochlan: Oh. OK.  
  
William: So why's everyone walking away?  
  
Veteran: (shouting out the answer) It increases the breeze. And keeps us from getting all sweaty, our kilts not being of the breathable variety.  
  
(His companions shout their agreement.)  
  
Young soldier: Plus you didn't share your pretty face paint!!!  
  
William: (shouting to them all) Sons of Scotland, I am William Wallace.  
  
Young soldier: (to William) Hee hee. He's wearing a dress. (Points and laughs)  
  
William: (to the young soldier) Yes, I've heard. He kills men by the hundreds, and if he were here he'd consume the English with fireballs from his eyes and bolts of lightning from his arse, which is a rude Scottish word for posterior. (Strikes Lord of the Dance pose, and shoots fire out of his eyes, which instantly consumes Mornay's pony. Mornay begins to sob and roll around on the ground.) I am William Wallace, and this is my movie, so you all have to do what I say!!!  
  
Veteran: (to William) Fight against that? No, we will run, and we will live.  
  
William: Well, then, I will just have to inspire you to spray your guts all over the field! You will most likely die painfully, but won't that be better than a peaceful death from old age? (Ponders a minute before continuing) Hm. Good point. But we Scots have one thing in our favor...OUR PENISES ARE THE BIGGEST!!!!  
  
(The Scots cheer "PENIS!!! " repeatedly. Across the field, the English watch the shouting Scots.)  
  
Lord Talmadge: Woo! Chanting Scots with sharp implements! Sounds like...oooh, did you see the butterfly? It was pretty!  
  
Cheltham: Did you forget your medication again, my lord? (Goes for pill bottle. He drops it, and it begins rolling down the hill.) Dammit! (Gets off horse and starts crawling after it.)  
  
Lord Talmadge: (Cocks head to side and stares after Cheltham)  
  
Cheltham: My lord, I think--.  
  
Lord Talmadge: Alright, offer them the terms.  
  
(The Scottish nobles notice Cheltham approaching on horseback.)  
  
Craig: They're coming out. Shall we go and meet them?  
  
Mornay: Let me do the talking. Agreed?  
  
Lochlan: Agreed.  
  
Craig: Aye.  
  
(William's men watch Mornay, Lochlan, and Craig go out to meet Cheltham.)  
  
Stephen: (to William) Fine speech. Now what do we do?  
  
William: Just be yourselves. (Turns his horse to the field.)  
  
Hamish: Where are you going?  
  
William: I'm going to pick a fight.  
  
(His men watch as he rides out toward Cheltham and the Scottish nobles.)  
  
Hamish: (to Stephen) Well, we didn't get dressed up for nothing.  
  
(Cheltham and the Scottish nobles converge in the middle of the field.)  
  
Cheltham: Mornay, Lochlan, Craig. Here are the king's terms. Lead this army off field and he will give you each estates in Yorkshire, including hereditary title, from which you will pay--,  
  
(William rides up)  
  
William: You think I'm gorgeous. You want to kiss me. You want to date me...  
  
Cheltham: Aaah! Sexual harassment AND crappy Sandra Bullock movies! My brain!  
  
William: (rudely interrupting) I have an offer for you.  
  
Mornay: Pony pony pony pony....  
  
Cheltham: (hands Mornay pill bottle.) Here. Have some candy.  
  
(Mornay begins chomping down pills.)  
  
William: Don't you want to hear my offer? (Begins to pelvic thrust).  
  
Lochlan: Aaaah! Scary! (Dives under Mornay's kilt) Ewww. Sweaty.  
  
William: So, here's my offer. Come into the middle of the field, and sing "Hit Me Baby One More Time" while being spanked by a provocatively dressed kangaroo. Then, perform a choreographed ice ballet while wearing my orange lacy, beribboned thong on your head.  
  
Cheltham: (laughs) You're wearing a thong?  
  
William: (shouting in anger) I'm not finished. Before we let you leave, your commander must stand in the middle of that field and admit that my penis is bigger than his. And then I think I'd like a lap dance.  
  
(All are shocked. Cheltham and his escorts head back to their own side of the field in disgust. William makes a face at them as they depart.)  
  
Mornay: (to William) Why'd you make the ponies go away? (Continues popping pills)  
  
William: You be ready and do exactly as I say. On my signal, ride round behind our position and spank them. Spank them hard. Spank them like you've never spanked before.  
  
Mornay: But I want a pony!  
  
William: Do it. In the meantime, I'll be slaughtering the ponies mercilessly.  
  
Mornay: Oh. OK. (mutters to self) pony pony pony pony pony.  
  
William: The other guys and I will be following a very complex strategy which I am in the process of formulating. Ooo! How about we chop them up with these sharp things!  
  
Craig: Swords?  
  
William: Don't try to tell me what to do! I'm the hero!  
  
(William and the nobles return to their own side. William dismounts.)  
  
Priest: And hominus bominus whominus, banana fana fo fominus, fee fi mo mominus, you're absolved of all your sins.  
  
Mornay: Wow! It's just like magic! Except without the sparks and excitement and bunnies.  
  
Lord Talmadge: (to Cheltham) Insolent bastard. I want this Wallace's heart on a plate. Oooh. Plates are good. Shiny. I like plates. Except when I have to wash them. Then my hands get all pruny...  
  
(Cheltham slaps Talmadge, and then signals the archers to fire at the Scots.)  
  
Stewart: (shouts out to the English) That didn't hurt one bit! (Falls over dead.)  
  
(One Scot comes forward and raises his kilt to showcase that despite the female attire, he is in fact a male. The rest of the Scottish army also feels the need to prove this to themselves, so they imitate him. Classic male competitive behavior. Freudian, really.)  
  
(The English archers draw their bows. Cheltham signals.)  
  
Cheltham: Loose!  
  
(As the arrows fly from the English bows, the Scots crouch behind their shields. Many Scots are hit.)  
  
Stephen: (to Wallace) Crazy Irish! Craaaaaazy!  
  
(The Scots rise again after the arrows stop raining down. They scream and moon the English. Because we all are afraid of hairy man butts. Feel the fear.)  
  
Cheltham: Ready, loose! (signals)  
  
(The English archers launch another volley and again the Scots take cover under their shields taking only light casualties.)  
  
William: OK. Now go spank!  
  
(Across the field, Lord Talmadge watches with a grin.)  
  
Lord Talmadge: I like spanking. But the horses smell funny. Send in the cavalry.  
  
(Cheltham signals and the cavalry moves out. The English knights charge across the field while the Scots stand motionless.)  
  
William: No, don't do it yet.  
  
Hamish: Do what?  
  
William: That thing. That top secret plan?  
  
Hamish: What plan?  
  
William: The one with the things!  
  
Hamish: Things?  
  
Stephen: Craaaaazy Irish! Craaaaazy! Crazy Irish! Did I mention I was craaaazy?  
  
William: The plan where we stab the horses!  
  
Hamish: But that's mean!  
  
William: Good point. Let's let them run us over.  
  
Stephen: God says that's a bad idea. He says that ponies are expendable, but craaazy Irish aren't.  
  
(Mass animal cruelty ensues.)  
  
Lord Talmadge: Well this sucks. Go try to make peace with them.  
  
Cheltham: Good plan.  
  
(Cheltham leads men onto the field to make peace with William. Naturally, William's terms of lap dance and ice ballet have not been fulfilled. So he and the Scots charge.)  
  
(Mornay and Lochlan arrive and begin trying to spank the English with their swords from horseback. Understandably not very successful.)  
  
William: (yelling to Cheltham) Where's my LAAAAAPPPPP DAAAANNNNCEEEE!  
  
(William and Cheltham go head to head. William knocks Cheltham off his horse and beheads him with rage.)  
  
Lord Talmadge: Oooo! Butterfly! (Takes off chasing it, followed by his army)  
  
(William sees that Talmadge has ridden off the field. So he turns, all bloody, to his fellow Scots and craaaaaazy Irish, and performs the following.)  
  
William: "She bangs, she bangs!" (Swivels hips) "She moves, she moves!" (Tries to booty drop, but his kilt flies up, instantly killing half of the army. So he reverts to manlier tactics.)  
  
William: Aaaaaaaaaaaaaack! Aaaaaaaaaaaack! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaack!  
  
Mornay: Pony! Pooooooony!  
  
Stephen: Craaaaaaaaaaaazy!!! Craaaaazy Irish! Woooooooooooooo! 


End file.
